You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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