He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
