I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
where am i from again
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
