The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
