I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
