I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
