I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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