i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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