Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
