I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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