i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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