just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
