I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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