I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
