I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
