If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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