She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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