I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
