He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This is the high leading the old right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
