im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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