I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
