I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
