I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
