he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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