No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
