I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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