Your mouth is God's brothel.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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