I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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