I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
