so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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