i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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