yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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