seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
A bitchslap is in order.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
