Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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