Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
