So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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