last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
