see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
