masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
