There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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