i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
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What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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