At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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