My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
