the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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