Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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