Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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