I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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