im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
