Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
