it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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