I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
