i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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