I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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