if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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