she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
