1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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