The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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