Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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